but I'm sure someone would have mentioned this. No one, ever, asked if I wanted Candice Gingrich to represent my lesbianism. I'll tell you right now - if anyone does ask the answer is no. Definitely not.
Ms. Gingrich annoys me on several levels and I'll get to most of them in a minute. First, I want to explain why I don't have anything to do with the news media. I have a very bad temper. It's probably cultural. My father is Mexican and my mother is German - Irish. That means my family is loud. Very loud.
When I see the evening news I get angry. I'm not great at dealing with my anger and since I don't drink anymore that venue of escapism is no longer available to me. Banging my head on the floor upsets the dog and my girlfriend resents me screaming at her until I burst a blood vessel in my neck.
I get all my news filtered through two channels. My girlfriend tells me things she thinks I need to know, like the whole election thing happening next month. For the softer news items, I read all the tabloid headlines waiting in line at the grocery store. That way I keep abreast of all entertainment news and the royal family scandals.
Returning to Ms. G and her overall annoyance factor: I was in a bookstore the other day and I noticed her big face as I wizzed past the latest non-fiction section. I don't usually look at the non-fiction section for the above mentioned news related reasons but that damned hairdo grabbed me. She has a book out and it's not just any kind of book. It's a memoir. The gall of a 29 year old person writing about there life is overwhelming to me.
Before anyone thinks that I'm delusional, let me set the record straight. Yes, I am green with envy. Here she is, making a living being as the official lesbian poster babe and she's got a book deal. What makes her more qualified than ME?!
Take a look, I've got every thing she does, and more. I wear glasses and no makeup. I've never been interested in politics but I'm sure if someone paid me to be, I could fake it a whole hell of a lot better than she does. I'm fun at parties, I make people laugh and I make a mean margarita. I hate to say it but let's face it, Newt inharited all the charisma in that family. I don't care what she's talking about, she bores the fleas off a three toed sloth.
Speaking of brothers, did I mention I've got a big, obnoxious, paranoid older brother, too? His name isn't as funny as Newt but he's got one of those ridiculous Van Gough type beard things going right now and we can make fun of that. So what if he's not in the congress, he's a lot louder than Newt and I think volume counts in these matters. (I'd like to mention that my brother could kick Newt's butt, but that would be just for fun the of it.)
Also, and perhaps lastly, we are the same age. I think that's what really gets to me. When I saw her book, I almost killed everyone around me. (Another good reason for strict gun control - ME.) I have been around the same number of years and I have no delusions about writing a memoir. Since most of my life so far has consisted of being a preteen and a teenager my memoir would consist of a lot of angst and whining. Who wants to hear that? Hell, that's why we built malls, isn't it? To get the teenagers away from the rest of society.
We are in the middle of a struggle for the hearts and minds of the American middle class. We need to crack open heads and mess with some brains! Since I can't formally challenge Candice for top lesbo, I want to give her a few words of advice. If she chooses to use them, I expect to be named to her cabinet when the time comes.
Like it or not, America is a fashion conscience society. Stop using a bowl and a pair of hedgeclippers. Please, consult a professional. Have something done. Use chemicals if necessary. Anything. Remember: if they like your hair, they'll like you.
There must be some home movies laying around the attic of Newt making butt bubbles in the tub. Also, a welcome sight would be Newt with really long hair, smoking a huge joint and dancing around in a circle. These may be hard to find but I'm sure there are reels and reels of him doing things like kicking dogs or steeling pencils from little kids. If your family wasn't big on home movies, don't despair. A picture is worth a thousand words.
If you have any pictures of Newt, now is your chance to use them. Specific themes to search for would include: Newt naked at just about any age. Newt with a couple of big-haired bimbos. Newt with the classic beer hat with wide mouth tube straw for maximum intake and gas production. If you are unable to find photos, give me a call. I know people who could create convincing photos of the Pope and Mother Theresa doing the wild thing on the Santa Monica Pier.
Please send me your comments and suggestions. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.