ELLEN-THE FALLOUT!!

May 11, 1997

O.K., so I'm really late with this column - like a whole week. I¹ve got some really good excuses that you can feel free to use at your convenience:

O.K., so I'm really late with this column - like a whole week. I¹ve got some really good excuses that you can feel free to use at your convenience:

1. One of the family computers has been in the shop for about three months and I had to go and kick some serious corporate butt over a warranty issue. It took a lot out of me. 2. My boss is going through some sort of Nepoleanic-channeling deal so work is a huge bitch right now. It¹s taken a lot out of me. 3. My girlfriend is so busy she doesn¹t even have time to argue about how busy she¹s been lately. It¹s taking a lot out of me. 4. I died.

That last one is only to be used in case of an emergency, like not even coming close to a deadline.

Anyway, I¹ve got a lot to catch you up on so let¹s get down to business. The Ellen episode was so good it depressed the hell out of me. I was all ready to slam her and the show's writers for getting touchy-feely and overly sentimental on what is supposed to be a comedy. Needless to say, I can¹t. I was able to keep my curmudgeony attitude up to the scene when Laura Dern admits that with one more recruit she gets a toaster oven. I almost spit milk out my nose (despite the fact that I wasn¹t even drinking milk at the time).

As far as I know it was a terribly successful show with huge ratings. I hope the Neilson people also take into account those shows that get taped. If you missed the show, just contact someone in San Francisco because they taped it. I, on the other hand, had to tape the Star Trek-Voyager episode. Once again, I¹ve missed the opportunity for serious Lesbian points.

One of the issues I doubt Ellen and the writers considered was the fallout from the "Coming Out Show". So far, I've had two people at work approach me about joining the Lavender 10% Club. Since I am the loudest, most open lesbian most people have ever seen, I have become the poster child for "Coming Out After Ellen Does" day. I've been able to avoid messing with their minds but the temptation is becoming overwhelming.

A typical way to begin the coming-out-to-someone-at-the-office routine is to say something like, "Can we have lunch?"

"No, I'm going to be out of the office most of the afternoon." I look at my calendar, thinking we are talking about a normal trash the people in the office lunch. "How about next Wednesday?"

"Well, I really wanted to talk. How about after work?"

"Sure." Damn, I think to myself, another one. Since college, women have decided that I could help them come out and deal with the consequences of that decision. I think they are sorely mistaken. What I do is give them the big it's completely up to you but I'll be here if and when you need to talk. What I want to do is give them a list of things they'll need to be a REAL lesbian.

First, they need to get a dog or several cats. If they go the canine route, the best choice would be a large Labrador or retriever mix. The more goofy and slobbery the better. If, on the other hand, the feline companion is desired then numbers count. Two is good but five is better, preferably a few in declining years that need daily injections or constant stool sampling. I'm not sure about this but I've always suspected that cat urine is an Aphrodisiac to some women.

Secondly, a truck needs to be purchased. Any size is fine - we are not size queens - but we lesbians do need the inconvenience of having only two seats, one usually occupied with a dog.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you need to go out ad get yourself a gay male friend to go cruising with. The importance of matching up with the right guy cannot be overemphasized. The right team can be very successful in fraternizing with like teams. There is always a danger of one team member getting lucky while the other one is shunned. A choice must be made, getting laid or continuing a wonderful friendship. Personally, I've always gone with moist happiness.

As I've said, I would never give this advice to someone who is actually going through this. If you are or if you know any one who is coming out, do me a favor and keep this I mind: Put the beer down. It won't help and it will make for an unmemorable love parade.