Hear Me Out


September 28, 1998


I've devoted several articles to President Clinton and his pants in the last few months. Don't bother looking for them. (The articles, not his pants). I haven't liked any of them. I think my basic problem with this whole scandal-Starr Report-impeachment deal is that I basically don't give a shit.

Believe me, I've been told I should. I know I should feel some sort of liberal-democrat-generation-X-angst and outrage about the whole thing but I don't. About the strongest emotion I can muster up about this is annoyance at Kenneth Starr.

Starr has singly brought the Clinton Presidency down to its' knees (there's an opening here for a oral sex gag but I can't pull it off. It's just too obvious.) and spent a lot of my money doing it.

I am not so egotistical to think that I can contribute anything original to all the sarcastic double entendres, so I'm not even going to try. Instead I'm going to give you my two part sociological theory about this event:

The I-Know-Everything Stage of Social Development

Do you remember when you were anywhere from 15 to 18 years old, depending on your development? Do you remember how smart and worldly you were? If you've forgotten this time in your life in order to save your own sanity and ego, I understand. I know that I have never been so sure of myself, my opinions and my life. Not only were my parents stupid, but they were also completely unwilling to bow down before me in supplication. I would not have been the least surprised to find my urine was being used as a holy relic in The Church of Worshipping the Always Completely Correct.

In a word, I was obnoxious. I think most people are at that age. The surprising thing is that we don't get shot out of a space probe aimed directly into the sun.

The reason I bring this up is I think that America is in this stage of development. We are a fairly young country when compared to places like Italy, France and, even England. If Nations years work like Dog Years or Football Minutes, we are right there in the young know-it-all stage.

So, like an overgrown and badly raised teenager, America is reacting with outrage and finger-pointing. American can't believe that the President got a hard on, had sex or lied about it. It's a lot like most people regard their parents, don't you think?

America, like a savage and untamed teenager, is both obsessed with and ashamed of sex. I think that's why we have such a thriving porno industry. It's the titillation that you are witnessing an forbidden act that makes porno so sexy. Because if you look at porno it's pretty pathetic. Adults having fake sex and you watching. It's a very lonely act.

Teenagers can't wait to have sex and yet they are also very judgmental about it. Parents of teenagers are expected to give up sex for the sake of the children. After all, who wants to be stroking off to "Debbie Does The World Soccer League" when mom and dad are pounding on the bedposts. It's simply unsavory.

Yes, the affair was wrong and I am very glad I'm not married to The President but after it's all well and done, do his actions have anything to do with my life?

I know there is a large segment of America, probably right in the middle of the country, that say this isn't about where he put his penis, it's about the law. I say, bull. This scandal is about the law, the same way stealing a loaf of bread because you are starving is about compulsive eating.

The second part of my grand theory is;

The Not-So-Powerful-Now Doctrine

America loves the underdog. How many times have you heard that? How many times has Sylvester Stallon capitalized on it? Have you ever thought about the corollary to it??

America hates a champion.

I'm not sure when it happened. I suspect like most things, it happened before I was born but right after World War II. I'm sure that the hippies either did it, caused it, sang about it or smoked it. America discovered that heroes always have clay feet and that pissed America off. After all, if we are a nation of equals, what make you so special, huh?

The pinnacle of this principle came about during the Watergate investigation. Two guys, with the help of an informant with an X-rated stage name, took down the President of the United States and nothing has ever been the same since.

The press and the public got the first rush of a powerful narcotic and America took to it like a junky to black tar heroin. The people of this country were outraged and titillated all at the same time. They were confused, angry and betrayed and they got to see it all on the eleven o'clock news.

Now we are left with the sweaty twitches of withdrawal. America wants to feel righteous and indignant and pure. Pretty much everyone either wants to caste the first stone or, at the very least, we want to watch the blood run. We are left with the Gate phenomenon. Now, anytime a President farts it's Gas-Gate.

America is in the middle of an old fashion, door slamming, not eating, pouty fit. Clinton keeps coming to the door, knocking softly and saying things like, "Honey, now you know none of this happened to hurt you. It's really between your mom and me. Honey?". We are pleased with his humiliation because it shows that we were right all along.

America, will we ever learn that being right sometimes means you lose?

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Copyright 1998 by Laura Jiménez.


Updated 09/28/98
D&S Associates