IN HONOR OF PRESIDENT'S DAY

March 1, 1998

You know that game Desert Island? It's the one where you have to choose 5 books, 5 records and one item of convenience you would want with you if you were marooned on a desert island.

I know what I'd take and what I'd leave behind. I'd take a solar-powered CD player and a very short list of CD's: · Pretenders, "Last of the Independents" or "Brass in Pocket" · Frank Sinatra, "Sinatra and Sextet: Live in Paris" · Melissa Etheridge, "Yes I Am" · James Harriot's "Favorite Dog Stories" read by Christopher Timothy · And just about anything by the Judd's

My five books would be huge and ultimately re-readable:

· The Dorothy Parker Collection · The Hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy, by Douglas Adams · A Prayer for Owen Meany, by John Irving · A Film and Video guide (with just a little prompting I can replay almost any movie I've ever seen scene by scene. It's a useless gift but what the hell, at least I'd stay sane on the island) · Gray's Anatomy

One thing that I would have no problem leaving behind would be the news. TV, radio or print. I'd miss none of it!!!

Leslie and I took a six week trip to Europe and only spent two days in an English speaking country, England. Of course, I'm still not sure they spoke English but that's what Leslie says and if I say she's lying she usually smacks me. For six blissful weeks, I had no idea what was happening in the world. That was the most relaxed I have ever been in my life.

Right now I'm missing those clear-headed days of ignorance. I can't escape the news of the President's Penis and its antics in the White House. The only other time I remember feeling this way was when they kept putting cut aways of Reagan's Colon on TV and talking polyps.

Last week, on a foggy Sunday night, I was innocently watching a "60 Minutes" type show (you never see actual news on shows like this) and I heard Ted Kopple say, "oral sex" in reference to the President of the United States of America.

Jesus, I don't want to hear about that!

It's like my parents. I feel good about the theory that they still do "IT" but I don't want details! For God's sake, there is no need for me to know that my mom has to take antibiotics every time she has sex because she's been having some trouble with recurring yeast infections and she's running low on a bottle that holds 100 pills! No one needs to know this kind of stuff.

The media is out of control when it comes down to the President's private bits. First off, there is the little item in the Constitution that states that you are presumed innocent until proven guilty. I've seen TV anchors run footage of some crazy bastard shooting people with a rifle from a bell tower and then refer to him as the ALLEGED shooter. They've got the guy on tape and they still have to assume he's an innocent crazy bastard because they don't have a conviction.

No one knows for sure what happened. Except the media that is. The media goons put some poor woman's photo in the paper as Monica Lewinsky's mom. Turns out the lady in the paper was some actress that has no relationship to the President, the First Lady, Lewinsky, Kenneth Starr or even Socks the cat.

Well, surprise - surprise! The media was wrong.

Maybe (and this is a big maybe) nothing happened. Maybe the President's Willie didn't go out to play. More importantly, if it did happen, exactly as the press says it did, does anyone care? I'm pretty sure the answer is a resounding NO!

A day before Clinton gave his State of the Union address the press was howling and slobbering at the idea that he should address the sex scandal in his speech. The day of the Address some smart media punk took a poll and found out that the public doesn't give a rat's ass about the President's sex life. We want to know what's going to happen now that we have this balanced budget. Are we going to get any more jobs? Are we going to educate our kid and pay our teachers what they are worth? Is Gore ever going to admit he's going bald?

I've said it many times before. Watergate was the one of the best and worse things that ever happened to this country. It taught us not to look at authority with blinders of respect and reverence but it also left the press with a hunger for more. Like an old junky remembering the first rush of heroin, Watergate makes the press' collective mouths water.

Instead of booking passage on the next SS Minnow, I'll just keep listening to CD's, reading books and watching movies. I'll be my own little island in the middle of the information superhighway.

They say no man is an island. Well, they've never seen this woman try.

We welcome your comments and suggestions.

Copyright 1998 by Laura Jiménez.