Of Mice and Guys
September 9

In the beginning, man's great question was,
"Why are we here?"
Several centuries passed and feminism gave rise to, "Why are you here?"

Now,during this X-generation-looking-straight-into-the- millennium time, we find ourselves asking, "Why are YOU like that?" Or at least I do and I find myself asking it mainly about men.

Men -- talk about an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, shrouded by hair. I understand men more than some women because my father is a man and my brother (rumor has it) grew up to be a man. I've noticed that lesbians ask the same questions as straight women do. This must mean that knowing men in the biblical sense of the word doesn't help at all! (Which is something I figured out a long time ago.)

I've compiled a list of commonly asked questions about men. I expect answers from my testosterone-laden readers that I will pass on at a later date. Also, to be fair and non-partisan, I will address all the questions that men send in to me about women, with the exception of the toilet seat issue: the answer is down, always down.

UNDERWEAR

Do men actually use those little slits? You find them on almost everything, from underwear to long johns and even pajamas. Is it some sort of trust issue? I can imagine standing there in front of the urinal and not wanting to pull my pants down around my knees. I'm not really sure, how many hands do you need to pee? Maybe it's hard to hold up your pants so they don't hit the floor (with all the mucky stuff) and hold on to the little mister. The mucky stuff leads me to my next question:

BATHROOM USE

Do all men think the toilet is an carnival game? Is the challenge to do a bank shot of pee off the seat and hit the rim before the water? I shared a bathroom with my brother for years. I was always amazed by the drippy stains on the underside of the seat. And I don't want to see that, "Oh no, not me!" look on your face. I know, because I've seen the same disgusting sight in the homes of most fastidious of gay men. Also, and maybe this is specific to my big brother, how do you get your public hair in the sink?

FACIAL HAIR

Perhaps I have no right to judge you all on this account but here goes: Why is there such a great social stigma attached to admitting you can't grow a beard? My father's side of the family is Mexican, mostly Mexican Indian as a matter of fact. For some reason my dad is the only one of his brothers that can grow a decent set of whiskers. My brother, thinking he would have the advantage of my mother's anglo genes, has been trying to grow a beard since he started shaving. For a long time he had this patch of hair right below his lower lip. I had to restrain myself from wiping his mouth to get the hair stain off.

Right now men are going nuts for those Van Gogh, goatee thingies. They are so happy that someone figured out how to grow a beard without having to admit you can't actually do it. I've got a surprise for all you Van Gogh Dudes. It's just like a "comb over." We know you do it to hide the fact that the hair just ain't there.

GAS

This isn't another jab at the well know fact that men would rather drive 100 miles out of their way and run out of gas than ask for directions. This is a question of social significance. What is the deal with the belching and farting? I'm not saying women don't do both, but we simply don't revel in it. We don't turn it into the Fart Game. I was always surprised when my brother would grab me, sit on my head and fart. He thought that was more entertaining than a Three Stooges marathon. ( I won't even begin to get into that.) Then there is the belching phenomenon. My brother and my cousins, all guys, used to sit around and try to burp words. Their names, cuss words, song titles, but mostly the alphabet. The great challenge was to see who could get closest to Z. One time my brother made it to S or T and it looked like he might make it all the way, but then he threw-up. Now that was entertainment!

OK, that's it for now. Remember, I want answers and other questions. The important thing is that the lines of communication are open now. We needn't fear that which we do not understand, we just need to make them stop.

Laura