April 7, 1997
Who says President Clinton never did anything for the gay and lesbian community? He got me a great fare to New York! Right after American Airline's pilots went on strike for 45 seconds, The Prez. stepped in and gave everyone a time out. That gave me the opportunity to fly to New York for $300 and if that wasn't cool enough, they'd even bring me back - no extra charge.
So, that's why my girlfriend and I went to New York for the Easter Weekend. It was fantastic! Saw almost none of it and had a blast. That is one huge city with lots of people, the cleanest buses I've ever been on and big, brave rats.
Knowing we had limited time and even more limited resources, we made a list of things we HAD to do while in the Big Apple. After that list was complete we pared it down into sub-lists: Things I HAVE to see, Things I HAVE to see but I won't die if I don't and things that will cause major organ deterioration if not seen. On the major organ list was seeing Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria.
I have had a major thing for Ms. Andrews since I was very young. Fell in love with her in , The Sound of Music and then in lust after seeing the bathtub scene in Victor/Victoria. By the bathroom scene I am, of course, referring to her and Robert Preston soaking their feet in the tub.
She asked, "How long have you been a homosexual?"
The way she says homosexual makes me quiver. Before Victor/Victoria she was on my "deeply admired" list. You know, famous people you'd really like to have a long lunch with in a small cafe with comfortable chairs and lots of really good bread and brie. Right now, I'd have to say Jodie Foster, Peter Lefcourt and Steven Hawkings are at the top of the list.
Then there is the "I'd do her if I was free to" list. This is not necessarily even famous people but can be. I've noticed that waitresses get on this list very easily for me. I fall for them quickly because they are always bringing me things. If you are a well rounded, red headed waitress, you're on the list.
The "I'd love to do her but I'd be so intimidated I'd be impotent" list is a long one and does not require life. Catherine Deneuve (the most beautiful person, EVER), Dorothy Parker (dead writer and way too neurotic) and Martina Navratalova (tennis maven and my vote for Lesbian Liason to the World) are long-standing regulars on this list. These are people that if I were ever to get near, I would lose parts of speech. It would probably start with nouns, like my name and quickly deteriorate into incoherent babbling with a side of drool.
The last list, the "I'd give up my current 10 year (and counting), stable relationship for three hours of sweaty passion" is the shortest list of all. Lindsay Wagner and Linda Carter. I was a latch key kid and no where is it more obvious than this list. Hours and hours of Wonder Woman and the Bionic Woman have made me the tacky deviant I am today. I am the first to admit their talent lays in actually getting people to pay them to act because they don't have an ounce of talent between them. Yet, I watch everything they are in. Remember the Ford Probe commercials a few years ago? Lindsay did the voice overs and I was wet for days. Late night TV has one thing going for it; Lens Express commercials. I know--it's pathetic.
Now where does Julie Andrews fit in to all this? She doesn't. She is above it all. My only hope is to have her whisper, "Homosexual" to me as I die and I will die a happy woman.
Oh, we couldn't get the tickets for Victor/Victoria so we went to "Once Upon A Mattress" with Sarah Jessica Parker. That is one perky babe! She wasn't as gangly as Carol Bernett but she sure can wop out a tune. It snowed in New York the day we left. I've never been in snow and have been afraid of it. I stood on the sidewalk and let the flakes melt on my glasses as I looked up at the sky and wondered, "Shit, can they fly in snow and more importantly, should they?"
As we drove to LaGuardia Airport I imagined the big wet flakes as locust being smashed on our windshield. Not surprisingly, I got car sick. Our flight was so delayed we missed our connection in Pittsburg. The greatest guy, Mike Lally of US Airways, got us on a different carrier so we could make it home. When I mentioned we'd take first class if he had to put us there, he said, to no one in particular, Man, I got a woman bustin' my chops here. Feels like home! He gets a list all his own!
Copyright 1997 by Laura Jiménez.