THIS LITTLE PIGGY

November 23, 1997

A friend of mine, Dede, sends me a whole bunch on on-line junk mail all the time. Half the time I never even look at it because I still think of the web as a utility and not entertainment.

No, I can't explain my reasoning. It makes no sense that I don't play with my computer while I desperately want you to. Let's just say it's one of those idiosyncrasies that makes me who I am. I was reading my email and I saw a something from Dede. It simply said OINK OINK as the subject. The first part of the note reads:

Try this! No cheating! Dede

On a blank piece of paper draw a pig.

After that, there was a few lines of fascist dictatorship that told me not to scroll down or the art police would come after me and break all my pencils. You see, it's a personality test. Your pig is supposed to reveal your innermost secrets. So, take a minute and draw a pig and we'll go through this together, here's mine:

To begin with, almost every part of the pig is important, even the placement.

If the pig is drawn: Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Toward the middle, you are a realist. Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.

Although you can't tell, my pig - we'll call him Nixon - is about in the middle of the paper I drew him on. That signifies that I am a realist. I'll agree to that. I don't have many hallucinations anymore and usually the voices I hear are attached to actual people. I'm in touch with reality if not terribly comfortable with it. There are still times when I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or if my life really is like this. Oh well - that's what the pig says.

Also, watch where your pig is pointing. That's a choice that will effect not only you but the rest of your family and friends.

Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates. Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

Nixon is facing the right side on the paper. This means I'm "innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates."

The date thing is a recurring theme in this exercise of self discovery. If I'd drawn Nixon facing left, I'd be a friggin' date guru. Also, if facing left Nixon would be noting my strong sense of family and that I'm nice and traditional. So, in a way Nixon is saying that I'm a mean bitch with no regard for family, traditions or important occasions. OK, I can live with that - NO ONE IS EVER GETTING ANOTHER BIRTHDAY CARD FROM ME - EVER!

Now you have to be your own art critic:

With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.

I still can't decide whether Nixon has many details or not. He's got a rather happy look on his face, an odd sort of bough to his back and very predominant nostrils but there's no hair, genitals or knees.

I suppose this part of the journey into the darkest parts of my psyche is the closest to my reality. Last Saturday, Leslie and I went out to dinner and a movie. When we came home the door between the garage and the house was wide open. Leslie saw this, gasped and said, "Didn't we close that door? What if there's someone up there?" She made no move to leave the car.

I got incredibly angry, got out of the car and raced upstairs. The fact that I had no weapon and no real plan other than annihilate anyone who might have entered my house without permission didn't matter. After racing through every room (5 total) it was obvious there was no one in the house; we just forgot to close the damn door.

I bring this up to illuminate Nixon. Leslie said I scared her almost as much as the idea that someone was in the house because I got "that look like you are going to smash people with your head." I am very distrustful - so maybe he has details. But I'm severely lacking in the whole cautious category - I guess he's a sort of plain Jane. Emotional could be my middle name but my mom and dad went with the more traditional Maria. I think hauling ass upstairs to face a robber who might be armed and strung out makes me a risk taker. " A risk taker and a real idiot," Leslie says.

The leg count on these swine shows your propensity to deal with life and change.

With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change. With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

Nixon clearly has 4 legs. You'll note his front legs are a bit higher than his rear legs are, as if he were jumping. Four legs shows I'm secure, stubborn and stick to my ideals. They don't mention anything about jumping so I'll just put that out on the table and see what people think it means.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.

Compared to Nixon's head, I'd say I'm a pretty good listener. The fact that they are very pointed - although the shape is, again, not mentioned - I figure it must denote a very pointed listening style. Ask Leslie - she's always saying that I don't listen to her. When she thinks I'm not paying enough attention to whatever it is she's going on and on about, she'll quiz me. Luckily I have a section of my brain that constantly stores and then dumps the last senate spoken. That way I can usually repeat, almost exactly, the last sentence that was spoken. It comes in handy. I merely contend that I listen to what makes sense and delete what doesn't.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life. (And again, more is better.)

Of course sex had to make it in here - this is the 'net after all. Nixon's tail is a good length but I'm concerned with the sort of loopy bend in the middle. Perhaps that means I've got a good but twisted sex life.

The personality test does not address one key element of this process. What kind of a life do you have if you take time out of it to draw a pig to see what you are like. Shouldn't you know yourself better than a pig named Nixon??? I don't even want to consider what it means about me that I not only drew Nixon but also named him and wrote about him.

Perhaps Freud was right. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

We welcome your comments and suggestions.

Copyright 1997 by Laura Jiménez.