Hear Me Out

January 27, 1997

I've been accused of wallowing in the act of belly-button gazing.
I must admit,
I do enjoy my belly-button because it is deep and full of mystery.

Perhaps I will take the time to decorate it one of these days. This week, however, I have been in communication with The Outside World and have found that things haven't changed.

I watched the news (something I try desperately hard not to do) the other night and saw people throwing rocks at soldiers. The rock throwers and the receivers looked remarkably the same: dark hair, well tanned with angry furrowed brows. The only real difference was that the receivers were solders and they had guns.

We've been throwing rocks at each other since we developed a thumb. Go to the natural history museum and right next to the baskets you'll see weapons. I can see it now...

Og has been feeling out of sorts ever since the wife said he smells like moss and went to visit his mother-in-law. Og decides to tell those bastards across the way what he really thinks. He yells, "Is that a cave or a termite infested rat hole?!". He certainly showed them!

That night, Jof lopes across the ravine that separates them and bashes in Og's stupid head with a rock. So much for noisy neighbors.

The next great advance was tying the rock to the end of a stick. That way you could smack someone without getting within hitting distance yourself. Also, it made a great nutcracker.

If you don't believe me, just take a look at the arrow. Think about it, an arrow is a sharp rock tied to a stick. The fact that they used it for hunting is simply a happy accident. Some young guy was walking around, saw a guy from another clan and shot an arrow at him. He was hoping to get his buckskin shoes (they were new and had that cool swoosh burned into the side). He missed the guy completely but hit a rabbit instead. Oh well, no shoes but he did have dinner.

Fast forward to biblical days and we are still warring clans with rocks. You have your David and Goliath. Young upstart shepherd, good with a harp and a sling. Besides that, he's also been told that he will be King of the Jews. This is very hard to believe because they didn't have kings, so you can imagine his surprise.

So there he is, future King of the Jews, visiting his brothers on the front lines and hoping for some excitement. In the morning Goliath comes out and challenges the Jews to send their best warrior to face him. He's huge and good at his job, so no one is particularly interested in fighting him. The Jews make fun of him, commenting on the size of his uncircumcised member and they let it go at that. David sees his chance and the next morning goes out to face the big oaf of a philistine. Goliath laughs himself hoarse at the thought of this little pip-squeak. Before he knows it, David has sent a rock hurtling into his brain with his slingshot. Goliath laughed no more.

Oh, and let's not forget about Jesus and his main squeeze Mary M. "He who is without sin may cast the first stone." Stone, a nice dressed up word for rock. Ever heard the joke about this scene? Jesus says his line and a rock comes sailing past his head and nails the whore. He looks into the crowd and yells, "Mom!"

The way I figure it, those rocks I saw flying between the Palestinians and the Israelis have been tossed around that desert for thousands of years. Who knows, maybe one of them was the one David used.

Rocks; the worlds best renewable resource.


Please send me your comments and suggestions. Email me at lmjimene@ix.netcom.com.

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Copyright, 1997 by Laura Jiménez.